And time goes by

It's been a week.... Oh my god it's been a week! It feels like a lifetime!

And I have the biggest setback ever! I am in even worse shape than when he left! And then I was in a shape that made not only him worried, but some of my friends also. Those friends that actually understands what I am going through. All the rest, I don't even expect you to understand.

Today I will not call him, I can not. I need to .... I need.... my god what do I need?

There is so much that I can not do, that I can not understand why. I can not go to Nigeria because it is not safe. Safe my ass! If it's meant for me do die in Africa I will die in Africa! The foreign department, or what ever it is called in english, recommends that one shouldn't travell to Nigeria. I checked that up and the recommendation is from 2007, and even though there was a note from 2011 it was recommended not to travell to north Nigeria, and some other areas too, but I am not planning to go to those areas!

I don't care much about what I do with my life, that is my decision, why I obey is because he asked me not to put him in danger. He is there, he should know.... But right now, give me a pair of boots and I could walk to Nigeria, I could search the whole city with 14 million (I've heard) people just so that I could be with him!

Because I don't have his address! I am not allowed to send him something, apparently it is because people there doesn't understand that even though you have been to europe you are not rich, and it could be missunderstood, or something like that. I do honestly not understand! But how could I, I am not from there. He has told me so much that I can not understand, because I haven't been in that kind of situation while growing up. Swimming is one, checking what is in the package before buying is an other....

I had an idea for how to be able to call Nigeria even cheaper, but of course that one failed! SO I can't even call him and talk to him for long!

What the h*ll CAN I do? I feel like I am sorrounded with I can NOT's.... And that is SO frustrating!

I have an idea that I have had for a long time, I will do that, but I wont tell him about it, because I am tired of hearing what I am not allowed to do. I understand why, or I try to understand why. But this last one I do understand why he would say no, that is why I am not saying anything, because I am not doing it for him alone!

It feels a little better now that I have poured out everything that is unfair! Maybe I don't have to cry today. Like I did yesterday, when I came home to an emty appartment, and then had to experience two disappontments at the same time, and then later even an other one....

84 days to go..... funny, when I was at my parents house, I forgot to count, but now when I am back...it just feels good to know that it is spring soon!

I wish for snow, because I know there is a friend that can not wait until it comes, but at the same time I wish that we wouldn't have any snow at all this winter. Because I know an other that so much looked forward to the snow, and he will miss it this year.....it is so unfair!

And I can't help crying....